Dear Tumblr: Guess Who’s Bizzack?

Aight, so yea, I’m back. For my return, a letter to tumblr both apologizing and explaining why I disappeared. You and I had a nice love affair for a while there tumblr. You were a place of refuge for me. This past summer ended up bringing about a lot of unexpected turbulence in my life that consequently changed my life course. No exaggeration there either, I would dive into more detail but I’m not THAT reckless about what I publish on these here interwebs, siempre hay ojos mirando (there’s always eyes watching for my non Spanish speakers).

With that said, tumblr was a social network, that I kind of ended up using as a journal of sorts. Although some people I know have a tumblr account, they either 1. Don’t ever go on it or 2. Have no idea that my account exists. Let me quote myself here to really get this point across “This past summer ended up bringing about a lot of unexpected turbulence in my life that consequently changed my life course.” No fucking bullshit homies. When you go through something like that, there is SO much on your mind, SO much you want to let out and vent, but yet SO much that you don’t want to deal with anyone or any of their damn opinions and views. I never came on here and bitched about my situation, but instead tumblr was really a creative outlet. A place where I could write things knowing I didn’t have to worry about being judged or watched mainly because of the disconnect that not many people in my “circles” would ever see it and knowing if they did, well, I wouldn’t give a flying floating fuck. Nah mean?

I wrote about my random thoughts, I wrote a letter to myself, I wrote about a vivid dream I had, I just wrote and it felt good.

Besides writing, tumblr would get me lost in the countless re-blogged photos you could scroll through, the hilarious .gif images, the hot girl accounts and everything else. And well, I’m back now, because I kinda missed that shit. Although I’m not one that’s big into the zodiac isht, one thing I’ve always found that rang true about me as it pertained to my sign, was that Pisces were creative beings and spirits who are big dreamers, almost to a fault at times. Working a Monday-Friday job and spending my weekends intoxicated and not giving a shit about doing anything have kind of made me lose sight of how important it is for me to create. I’ve always liked to sketch and started randomly writing poetry and other short things in the 7th grade and no matter what it always madero feel good to create something. Completely make something solely by what’s in my head and nothing else.

But, I’m kind of ranting now so lemme chill. But I’m bizzack and expect some more writing from me. Until then, stay thirsty my friends

It Feels Good…

It feels good to be able to say a lot of things nowadays. Life throws you some crazy curveballs sometimes, and often, you’re gonna swing and miss but you have to always be willing to step back up to bat. You never know when you’re gonna swing and knock one out of the park. 

This Summer I’ve felt like I’ve went to hell and back, literally. My world got turned upside down and I thought there was no coming back from it. Although I haven’t fully recovered from these events, I have made progress. It was a long while of keeping to myself and not wanting to be a part of anything nor do anything. Wake up, go to work, workout, maybe eat and sleep is what made up most of my days. It’s kind of crazy though because although I looked at my workouts almost as punishment; that time with just me, my music, running and exercising became and is the best form of meditation for me. I’m blessed to always have loved ones around me, and work in a field that I am able to communicate with and make differences in peoples lives, but that ME time is essential to my peace of mind. Running with my headphones blaring and nothing but my route and music lyrics on my mind is great and really has helped me to be able to focus on more things than dwelling on my mistake filled past. 

With all that said, let’s get back to the title of this post. 

A few weeks back I talked about how I had an interview that I felt great about, and that great feeling was justified Monday afternoon when I got the official call that I would now be a full time social worker. This feels good for so many reasons. About six years ago, when I was still in high school, my plan was as follows:

1. Go to college in Boston and major in social work

2. Get my degree and move back home to New Haven, CT

3. Put that degree to use by helping those in the community that I grew up in and was given opportunity and attention from people who saw potential in me.

4. Ideally work for the city of New Haven being a social worker within a school. 

It feels GOOD to be able to now say that I have done and am doing EVERY single one of the things on that list. It feels fuckin amazing to be able to say that. After not getting a job in my desired field for almost an entire year after college, I wasn’t too sure how things were going to work out but as they say, patience is a virtue. With the help, love, confidence, and most importantly hope that I am blessed to have from my family and friends I’m making progress on the goals I have set for myself, but I’m never going to get comfortable and feel satisfied.  

However it does feel good to answer the question “What are you up to nowadays?” when I see old friends. It feels good to answer the question “Where are you working?” and be able to give a response with confidence in my voice, it feels good to know that my mother can brag about where her son is now working and what he’s doing, and it feels good to go to work everyday knowing that I will potentially be making a difference in the lives of 3-5 year old kids and their families. I look forward to more success through my hard work and dedication to being a better me and I hope everyone else does the same. 

Until next time, 

Stay thirsty my friends

Opportunities

Learning to take advantage of EVERY single opportunity that comes my way. At times I’m a real complacent dude as well as being overly patient to a fault at times. But lately I’ve been learning to change that and break out of my shell as well as not being intimidated my superiors at work or people who are more experienced than me. I’m learning to be a sponge. It’s essential to soak every bit of information and skills that come your way because in the end, it’s only going to increase your potential to do better. With all that said, I have an interview for a promotion and to become a full time employee with my own insurance and all that jazz. The best part about this all unfolding is that I’ve worked my ass off to get this chance the last 5 1/2 - 6 months and I’m not nervous at all for this interview Thursday. I fucking deserve this shit and have done nothing but prove my worth to them time after time. Even with all that, I of course still have to prepare for the worst, which in this case is me not moving up, but at least still being employed. I’m really ready for this next step and hope it pans out, but of not, I’ll keep grinding. Every slip up in life gives you the chance to call it quits, or pick up the fucking pieces and rebuild stronger than before….I’ll always choose to rebuild cuz that quitting shit…. I ain’t about that life.

Progress. Slow progress, but progress

Sharing my thoughts here and putting them out for anyone to potentially see was really weird to me at first. It took me a long while to even have the balls to write anything at all. When it comes to reaching inside myself and expressing what I’m feeling through words (spoken or written) I tend to have difficulties doing so. However, when it comes to things that I am passionate about, the creative juices begin to flow rather easily. I previously mentioned in another post how I’ve become a part of a team to write for a blog entitled “The Motiv.” The idea behind this name is simply “What Keeps You Going?” What drives you to do what you do every morning? It could be fashion, maybe film, or photography, but for me it’s music. Once I finally wrote something for the blog it felt great. Music is probably one of the first ways I ever establish a connection with people and it’s because of how much I love it, it’s my Motiv. Since the blog is relatively new, it’s been a slow but steady up hill climb to gaining more recognition as well as pursuing and taking advantage of networking opportunities. With all that said, I’m pretty excited for what is planned to happen. There is currently only one another person that blogs with me but tomorrow we will potentially be adding another member to the team. The progress being made in a short amount of time has been great and I can’t wait to sit with other like minded people to see where our next steps can be. That’s it for now.

Keep it Funky

Keys

Damn! I just lost my house key and I’m pissed about it! Haha I put the key inside my iPhone case while I went on my run this morning and by the time I got back to my crib, it was gone smh. Retraced my route almost a mile before I finally gave up on the search :/. But, to look at things on the bright side, this event 1. Made me add distance to my run. Which in turned helped me burn more calories. 2. Although I walked back through in search of my key, I was so frustrated and angry that I ran back home at a faster pace than normal. 3. It feels so much better to say “I lost my key while running” instead of “I lost my key while heavily intoxicated” hahaha. At least I was being productive while this all went down!

Thankful for common interets and passions that I share with people. I always say that my first encounters/conversations/connections with people are through one of my biggest passions, music, and I say this because it’s true. A few months ago a friend, who I haven’t even known for very long at all, approached me about contributing to a blog he had started. He told me he respected my taste in music and that’s why he approached me to do so. It took me a while to even start to think about contributing any posts but when I finally did, I couldn’t stop. I really just got hooked, and it’s become therapeutic to me in a way. Music already is my number one go to in terms of stress relief and getting involved in this has just added to that. Shout out to anyone and everyone that’s shown love to us at The Motiv (Wordpress / Tumblr / Twitter) and keep it locked as I turn my therapy into your entertainment.

Blah

Why is it that I get a dope idea in my head, start writing, and then my mind just wanders? I’ll start and then want to keep going but just always get sidetracked. So frustrating man. Currently writing three different things and just been working on whichever fits my mood at the time but maybe that’s my problem. Too many cluttering thoughts in an already endlessly wandering mind = some serious ADD behavior. Welp, at least I started and finished this!

Look out for some enjoyable reading material soon.

Sueños

I never remember any dreams that I have. The infrequency in which I recall them leads me to usually tell people that I don’t even have them.

It’s weird though (and kind of messes with my head) because about ninety percent of the time that I do wake up and remember anything from the subconscious sleep state I was in, it’s always been a nightmare/bad dream. Why can’t I ever wake up happy instead of in a cold sweat? Or breathing heavy? Or feeling like I just lost someone? Or (and this is one of my least favorite things) jumping awake scared out of my mind because it feels like I’m falling off the edge of a cliff! It creeps me out because it makes me feel like my subconscious thoughts are too dark. Makes me feel like when I sleep I’m a depressed pessimist or something…

Waking up this morning was different though, a good different.

I dreamed a good dream. One of the ones that you don’t want to wake up from, and when you do you try to doze back off letting your imagination finish the beautiful short film you just saw before opening your eyes. It felt great. It’s been so long, to the point I can’t remember, since I haven’t wanted to forget what I dreamt about. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m not always falling off cliffs, getting chased by faceless gunmen or some other terrible nightmares but it’s either something like that, something really fucking weird or me not remembering anything at all. It was a big change to smile as I woke up rather than trying to shake off a weird feeling.

The best part about it all: her laugh sounded cuter than I remembered, her hair smelled even more tropical and delicious, her lips never felt better, and I never felt as comfortable as I did laying down with her head in my nook….

Dear Me,

Try harder.
In everything you’re doing, just push further. Why not, right? Life is an uphill climb that has been filled with falling boulders that you’ve managed to get past every time, even if they were caused by your own mistakes. Enjoy things a little more too.
I know it’s hard to now, but kid: You’re a twenty-three year old male Latino college grad and doors are gonna open…..just don’t give up on finding the key. On your walks downtown after work stop at the park and take a load off, why are you always in such a rush? Bring those books you’ve been wanting to read or keep on writing and working on the projects you have going. Maybe even keep your sketch pad in your back and get inspired!
I know THIS one is a stretch but you have to start to let go.
All I’m asking is to start. This hiatus is a good start because you know I know no matter how hard you try you find your way there and that isn’t helping. No one is saying to forget or even to forgive anything, but ya gotta try and let go a little man and the things above are just a little nudge in the right direction and we’ll rendezvous soon enough and see where you’re at. Until next time b.
Sincerely,
What You Already Know